let these thoughts bleed.

i've been writing for a minute now & it never seems like i could ever run out of the things to write about. i've been feeling for a minute now & it never seems like i could ever run out feelings & emotions to hurt from. i've been thinking & it never seems like i could ever run out of thoughts. i've been pumping this blood through my veins for a minute now & it never seems like i could ever run out of this blood that runs through my veins no matter how many times i've bled. i've been making mistakes for a minute now & it never seems like there won't ever be another one made. so this time, let's pretend the world is my mother and i have fallen. please, please just let me bleed my words, feelings, thoughts, & mistakes so i can heel on my own & on my own time.

where do i start? the beginning or the end? it all never makes sense no matter what point you start from. i just know i want it out and off of my chest. there are so many things that go on in my world, my life, that no one knows about. you know they say the best secrets are kept in books. you put a book down & the only way to know what's going on in the world of those pages are by picking it up and reading it. yet, no one ever has the "time" or "patience" to do so. this is my book. these are my secrets.

i've been in love & i think im almost sure its hurting to admit this. at the moment i have tears washing the skin on my face. for something to hurt it sure is cleansing. it feels good and hurts at the same time. idk what to think honestly, im soo lost right now. anyhow i would consider myself a strong minded person when it comes to falling for a person and opening up and letting them in my world. a lot of people can claim they know me but it's only one who can really say he knows me & can tell me anything and i can & will believe it. for some reason im continuously thinking of this person and seeing from a distance what goes on in his world from a distance.. what to do about this but try and forget and let go.. but how when there's no one who i feel can make me feel the happiness he gives to me. it's a gift almost when im around him.. it's like the morning the snow first falls and a childs first snow angel. it's special. it's rare. it's once in a life time for me. love isn't promised to no one but when it comes hold on to it for dear life. im such a rock its crazy i can't break down for or over no one i can't feel for no one but myself but when the tears wash his face like they do mine it's almost as if they do for me too. idk if that makes any sense but thats the best way i can explain it. im doing my best to let go and move on but its hard when you've never had or is rare to have. does anyone else understand..

just let me fall
just let me bleed
just let me learn.

love life.
love you.
me.

.. its been ..

so it's been a good minute.. actually, it's been about a week and a half since i've been at school.
WAIT! don't jump on my neck just yet. i was missing school to get money to pay my bills..
power was off.. but we're back on top :) new couch microwave George Foreman grill trash can etc...

anyhow, so today i had an interview with abercombie & fitch!
that was exciting! lol. hopefully i get the post i applied for.
later on today i will go back and apply for another position just to be on the safe side.

so i have anywhere from a week to two weeks before finding out if i am hired for the position.

well its been just about 60+ plus days and i haven't heard from the guy that left my house (from this day) 60+ days ago to find himself in an orange, gray, blue, or white uniform.. ugghh im going to be as patient as i can... i mean they do say those who wait get more than what they expected.
LMFAO ok they don't say that exactly but i did so yeah lol ..

anyhow .. im off to bed.. turning it in kind of early tonight (2:07am) im going to school tomorrow!

goodnight ppl

09.23.09

so todays my bday..
im officially 20..
no more of being in the teen years..
and still i have yet to really figure out just what it is i want to do.
my choices are: strokers (strip klub in atl) house night klub (in atl)
or join some ppl as they surprise me with whatever they have in store..

oh and remember i expected to be "wifed" up by now..
however, i am not.. still :( sad right? i know..

anyhow.. the day was ruff..
sadly, i had to "go there" with someone from my school whom i was helping out
on top of that.. as i said earlier, it's my bday and i have NOTHING to do..
the guy im oh so in like with is in jail (sucky) and he cant have any visitation..
nor can he make calls out.. :( what a birthday right...

so im on the Internet, as usual, and i see someone has posted on their status (fb)
that lil boosie is locked up (or turning himself in) for charges of a gun and possession of marijuana
and with good behavior he can get out with only serving a year though he was sentenced 2.

oh other news... my KHLOE (KHLO$) IS GETING MARRIED!!!
the wedding will be held at a closed location (I KNOW WHERE). . .

anyhow.. moving on to a new story...
how was everyone else day.. ?

today the weather was perfect
yesterday it was hurricane Katrina
and today it was perfect wth?!!!
ga weather is wakk..

oh went to this restaurant yesterday and filled out an application
hopefully they hire me.. the guy said he would give me a call back but i know
with restaurants you have to keep calling to let them know you want the job
so thats what i will be doing and thats what i did today.. wellll i called only twice
but that was between the slow hours so the guy told me that he would give me a call tomorrow
and if he didnt for me to call him.. bests believe i will.. :)

uhhgg feel like im talking to much..
this ends this post.. :)

goodnight!

ps..

HAPPY BDAY ME !!! IM 20!

MY CLOSURE

im ending my rainy night with this post.

i seem to be restless at the moment.
so when i close the l.top screen, i'll just lay here until my dreams are 3d.
i cant seem to get this guy off of my mind its like my every thought is him.
me wondering what hes wondering what im wondering and so on..

well,
listening to keyshia cole - you complete me.
goodnight world.

& THIS IS HOW IM FEELING.

at the moment i am listening to anthony hamilton.
its raining. there are 3 more days until my 20th bday.
by now i expected to be "wifed" up with a guy who has my undivided attention.
& im not. there air is going on and off (set to auto) in my apartment.
listening to that the rain and this music is keeping me calm.
for a second i was going insane about this one guy who left my house 50 days ago.
& yes that makes me sound a little crazy, however i only know because now he is
incarcerated 45 minutes away from me.
sitting here wondering why he hasn't called or text since the day he left,
comes to find out he was arrested moments after leaving my house.
he's been looking to get in some kind of contact with me.
he did.
the drug of joy ran through my blood stream.
"sometimes in life you run across a love unknown without a reason it seems like you belong" - anthony hamilton.

the rain has stopped.
the air is off.
the music is still playing.
and im sitting in bed alone.
i just want him back, i have a strong feeling he is my other half.

so, i have 5 more months left until i am done with school.
im anxiously waiting for the day to come and a teacher tells me how many hours i have left.
hours that will be completed in a day or two. uggh.
the great feeling of accomplishing yet another task that someone strongly doubted me on.

you want to know a funny thing?
so i have this ex that i once dated in highschool..
not that many years ago lol.
i express to him what i was thinking were my true and final feelings
and you know what he does?
tells me hes not worth my tears.
probably because his heart was somewhere else.
not because he ever done me wrong or was pathetic.
because none of those describe him.
kind of hurts to know that the person you have these types of feelings for
dont have them in return. idk what to think, say, or how to feel about that.
im so lost and confused., but i cant help nor control another persons emotions.
its only right that i learn to let him go.
& i have because im waiting patiently on who i believe is my other half.
& while doing so, i cant let my past get in the way of my possible future.

just my feelings im updating you all on.
hope you enjoyed me sharing my story with you all.

(post updated pics in a few.)

and they say..

& they say everything in the dark comes to light. Well, at 7am its still dark & I still feel everything from my past huanting me. I'm not ashamed of my past nor scared of it.. Just help me understand why at 7am I get the thoughts of "what if".. And I try not to question the past as the present nor the present as the future. Yet sometimes (rarely) will I have these unaswerable questions. So I just sit and wonder to myself and let the time go by.

Until next time..

Peace&love

Ps:
I will be posting some fresh music from a friend of mine.

Dear ME

dear me,

just felt as though i should write this for me to look back on someday.. im feeling a lot different now-a-days.. i see things in a different light, a more mature prospective.. im understanding the wants and needs.. the expected and least expected .. im understanding life and im seeing the changes im making as im growing up in this crazy world. well this is all i had to say..

just when yu least expect something, yur life changes in a major way.. & whether or not yu think yure mentally capable of dealing wit wudev the situation is, yu have to deal wit it & theres no running away from it. responsibility is a big part of our lives. i have no more room to complain, i take everything as a blessing & a lesson. Im a full time student; i go to school faithfully everyday up at 7 there by 8:45 & out at 4:30pm.. i work everyday.. never taking breaks.. & now, i have two liddle girls to take care of, & of course it's only right, theyre my God daughters. im going to put my all into raising them correctly & teaching them things i had to learn on my own. Life is a one time thing, don't take anything for granted. Thats my lesson of the day.

THE RETURN!

So it is .. 12:24 am.. I'm studying .. (i find that i retain the best information when it's really late).

I have been gone for quite some time & I think it would be quite the pleasure for me to fill you all in .. OMG IVE MISSED YOU ALL SO MUCHHHH! lol.. however i enjoyed my break!

Thank you all for commenting the post! Hope you enjoyed everything lol ..

Hm, lets see.. March 2nd I started work! (Doc Green; salad bar & grill)..

March 5th, I started school! (Empire Beauty & Cosmetology School)..

I was considering getting this truck, however, my mother is getting it instead & I am getting a VW Passat =] yayyy me!

I'm learning so much in school it's ridiculous.. I never knew there was so many interesting things within the field of "cosmetology' ..

and before you all go and judge me.. understand this.. I am an Esthetician.. a specialist in the beautification of the skin and body. I do not ONLY style hair, I engage in facials, nails, eyebrows, the care of skin, etc.. Before you judge me & my decisions.. YES I will & can make a living off of hair.. believe me, it's a high market & it's in high demand. Am I making a living off of it ONLY? NO, my goal is to become a well rounded stylist..

PLZ PPL DO NOT JOCK MY STYLE lol .. jp Im clearly fine with you becoming motivated off of my ambitions =] ..

The program that I am in will last me 11 months.. and then once I've graduated I will go to State Board and preform certain procedures in front of them as they critique. I will also take a written test there in front of them.

Following along with receiving my Masters in Cosmetology, I will then go to a fashion school where I will obtain my Bach in fashion. =] get my drift?

A stylist is not only one thing. Fashion is not only clothes.

I want to be fashion stylist capable of styling in all ways, forms, & fashions. I want to be able to do facials, make-up, hair, dressing "styling" a person, doing their eye brows.. ect .. ect! I want to be WELL ROUNDED! The more you are able to do, the more you will accessed and get paid =]

I will post pictures later on.. maybe tomorrow or some time before Monday!

ps.

i've been working so hard.

i go to school full time 9am-4:30 pm

then work.. not every day but 9 times out of 10 every day

& i go until closing .. IM WORKING HARD! & IM FOCUSED!

until next time..

peace&love

Demanding? Naa Just Requesting.

This particular post was requested. Im speaking to you & i hope you fully understand me..

(lemme clear my throat)

you see when i open my eyes i want to smile

and when they close to reopen

i want to smile.

when i breath

i want that fresh breath of air to be givin to me

because you went deep to put it there..

what i want?

to make someone feel the same as me

to feel like that never ending question,

yeah that "why" question, to finally be answered.

and im sitting here listening to your music & whennn...

i thought i had writers-block.. the sound of your voice cleared it away.

what i want in a guy you inquire?

i want him to be my NyQuil,

my Dayquil.

could he possibly be my Tylenol..

relieve my pain, sooth my muscles,

clear my headaches away.. ?

would that be to much to ask.

what i want in the next guy..

well they say the next is the best.

could you make me regret not meeting you soona..

and i apologize if i confuse ya..

but...

i want you to fill that void..

put the piece where its suppose to be..

& make me feel like another woman..

make my make-believe become real life fantasies..

oh so now its about me & my needs..

well give me time to clear my throat so i can speak..

someone like you.. someone of your character seems fictional.. but you are oh so real

and thats what i want.. some one to be an asshole ya know; check me when i "oops i fukd up"

someone to give me that "ooo yeaa" biting my lip.. no really biting my tongue because i said i could handle it..

aha playing the big girl role.. someone to pull my hair,

get liddle aggressive .. get me a liddle scared..

but remember what i want is for a guy to be able to make believe again.. to take me to "we're only connecting as.. we're only connecting .. only connecting as. us. are you willing to learn..?"

there. for once i spoke up.. & this is what i want..

ENJOY!

until next time..

~peace&love~

LIFE LESSON

I was talking to my sister today about this situation that occurred between my best friend, her sister, and myself. I'd love to tell the whole story, however, that would be extremely to long and it might confuse you all. Sooooo, long story short.. I def learned a lesson today..

3 values to live by:

*there are principals that we as people should learn, understand, and follow.

*there are people who will be in your life for a second, a minute, and an hour.

*there are 3 types of people you will come across.. your reason, your season, and your life time.

I've learned that no matter how long a friendship has been, there is always be an end to the fun. I have learned that no matter what the situation is at hand, you always need to be the bigger person. I have also learned that, you know who your true friends are when you come into a situation and it isn't handled correctly, a person cannot sit down and talk to you one on one like a young adult & if there is a person (or persons) that cannot complete the task at hand, then they just weren't meant to be in your life & the friendship isn't worth fighting for. I will never beg for a friendship (keep in mind) however, I WILL fight for one when I believe it's truly worth it. Just thought to add this as well, you will find strength each time you cry, & life is like a car you have your side mirrors to keep you from getting into "accidents", you have your seat belt to keep you safe, & lastly you have your rear view. With your rear view you are allowed to look back: but only for a second at a time, because if you dwell on the past (whats behind you) you will not be able to steer straight and keep focus on whats in front of you.

WORDs OF THE DAY:

PRINCIPLE

noun, : guiding sense of the requirements and obligations of right conduct: a person of principle

FRIENDSHIP

noun, : the state of being a friend; association as friends: to value a person's friendship.

LOYALTY

noun, : the state or quality of being loyal; faithfulness to commitments or obligations

RESPECT

noun, : esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability: I have great respect for her judgment.

HONESTY
noun, : the quality or fact of being honest; uprightness and fairness.
truthfulness, sincerity, or frankness

until next time..

~peace&love~

a bit of poetry pt2.. WTH;

wth; these feelings i have are unexplainable

i feel as though my mind is moving so fast

when my heart has yet to play catch up

where does my heart sit; 

the left of breast 

or behind my vision

thought i could have it all

do i really have to choose

theres nothing on the line but my emotions

youre mental explosions are domestic 

as of now we're living off of impulse 

and idk if this makes sense to you 

but at the end of the day it is what it is 

and right now what is this?

wth; i cant sleep confused as a day

with clouds looking as if its going to rain

& the suns shining so bright 

its hurting me, it wasn't suppose to be this way

where did we go wrong? my ipod plays

wth.. 

& i say i will play by the book

but wheres the book for me to see what to do

when the day changes so does the page 

and i have yet to turn one,

in the front of my mind i have everything perfectly planned out

but as usual its the depths of my hearts where the real choices are to sleep

and maybe my intellectual thought process is above and beyond yours but 

thats something i can't help.. and im still attracted to you because of our differences 

and right now i have no direction, im letting my fingers do the writing im just watching

so bare with me if you have yet to understand where i am going with this. but wth..

ENJOY!

i made a post the other day saying i would follow some new rules.

but i've seem to forgotten, i live life on the edge. i don't play by the rules.

so for now on im just posting .. fashion, poetry, thought/emotions, yu knw the reg.

a bit of poetry pt 1.

sometimes in life yu come across an unknown love

the kind that makes yu rush

makes yu wonder the 7 wonders

the simpliest thought of touch by a person

the bittering, arguing, & cursing

all the love, pain, heaven, & hell

you stick around wishing for the better

WELL...

sometimes in life yu come across an unknown love

& when yure really thinking,

yure thinking yure in love

get ready for this.

..LOVES NOT READY FOR YOU..

Facebook Talk

lol. i love when i get comments on my status that turns into convo's.. =]

Jacinda Status: Tell me, who I have to be to get some reciprocity. 2:45pm

Tyler Curry at 2:52pm February 21
cinda!

Jacinda Travis at 2:53pm February 21
hey girl hey! whats up doll

Tyler Curry at 2:55pm February 21
nm how u been?

Jacinda Travis at 2:55pm February 21
oh wait yu were telling me who i have to be. yeah that's a tid bit challenging at this moment. idk who she is anymore. how have yu been .. where the hell are yu.. i've been home and have not seen yu seen everybody else minus yu.

Jacinda Travis at 2:55pm February 21
ive been good though.=]

Tyler Curry at 3:02pm February 21
shitt i been chillen ready to get away from these childish ass brookwood bitches.

Jacinda Travis at 3:06pm February 21
now idk who yu might be talkin about but i def feel that. but that is high school for yu.. yu learn who yur true freinds are & who the fake ones might be. yu'll live though. what doesn't kill yu makes yus trongers.. mentally! what else is new..

Tyler Curry at 3:09pm February 21
umm..chillen really just makin moves everyweeked.we getting up next weekend k?

Jacinda Travis at 3:10pm February 21
i hear yu on that note. yea girl that's fine i will send yu my number in a message lol can't have everyone knowin the celly lol

Tyler Curry at 3:11pm February 21
ook.


So this kid request to be my friend, I accept, we conversed. As we were getting deeper into our conversation he said to me.. [let me side track] now I was speaking to one of my fellow bloggers last night before turning myself into bed, and he was telling me the same thing. Guess if I begin to hear something more than once (on a positive note) I should believe it.. anyhow.. this kid on facebook said to me.. & this is how our convo went..

2:35pmSage
oh ok
well damn Jacinda it seem to me like u got da whole package
2:36pm Jacinda
lol. what do you mean (thanks)
2:36pmSage
looks, funny, smart, goals.
2:37pm Jacinda
aw thanks. i try .. i try really hard. i don't want to have to depend on someone else and be a mess when im old in age i want to already be to the point where i can just live and until then im working hard for it
but yu too.
2:38pmSage
i appreciate dat. my pops always taught me to paper chase not skirt chase but i might change up now.
2:39pm Jacinda
lose money chasing females never lose females chasing money.. but i feel what yur sayin.. it's ok to take a break lol
2:40pmSage
lol

I appreciate it greatly, when people I don't know share their complimenting thoughts towards me.. idk maybe it's just me but it really makes my day, evening, & night. I'd like to believe it's healthy =].

Perfect Stranger

I was reading on this kids blog today. and I saw a posting that caught my eye.. it was titled: PERFECT STRANGER .. it was a great read. As usual. Im signed on myspace, facebook, twitter, flypeoples, and other sites that has me addicted.. he sends me a message saying thanks for the follow & I told him no problem, don't be a stranger.. as we got further along with our conversation we exchanged screen names.. continuing out conversation on aim we then found out how small of a world we live in.. I came to the realization: what a perfect stranger he is. Now, I guess you'd have to read his post on the PERFECT STRANGER to fully understand. I mean his bday is 3 days after mine (though he is 2 yrs older than me) he is located in the same city as me (which is a rather small one) & as I see it, we're both into fashion. He's adorable. I mean really cute. & I find talking to him rather interesting. I'm cute & adorable and ppl find me interesting. & we're both assholes (hehe: he can't see me being one because i have a cute liddle babyface)..(here's a secret: he wants to be like me when he grows up) hehe.. how cute right? I know. lol ;] well it's dinner time and my stomach is gnawing on my back lol... ENJOY!

ps:

he's my perfect stranger ;]

New Changes

Made a few changes to the blog, hope you all enjoy.. notice that the music is a lot calmer ;]

I had to take it back on a lot of the tracks.. hehe..

anyhow, i was in the car last night driving around looking for a mc donalds that was open at 2/3 am.. lol.. couldn't find out.. i thought they all were 24hrs. guess not. lol.. but this song came on and i went crazy lol. like.. it took me way back and i just bursted out singing like i was alicia keys or somebody..

so.. song of the week is: LOVE -musiq soulchild

iT'S HER BiRTHDAy..

So on this day 14 years ago, I witnessed my niece come into this world. I didn't know, at the time, what the heck was going on. I must've been 4 yrs old at the time. All I knew was that my sister was in pain and whatever caused this massive pain was related to me. I guess ever since then the liddle pain & I have been cooler than ice on a hot sunny day. This is my niece. Today she turns 14.. Only four more years and she will be an "adult".. Wow.. It's crazy how time flys. I remember teaching her how to start a car when she

was maybe... hm... I'm thinking 5 or 6. LOL. She's my roll dog, my sidekick, my shadow.. I find it amazing that there is a person that looks up to me on ever and anything you can think of. I'm thankful she's my niece & I'm even more elated that she's a smart girl who is focused and knows what she wants in life. So with all that said..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRANDI AKA PRINCESS.. MAY IT BE A BLESSED ONE! XO

LOVE YA KIDD!

Vday Bday.. What a Night

So today is one of my homegirls bday's and sadly i couldn't make it to her surprise party to celebrate with her.. however.. i still wish her a happy birthday..


Today is also Valentines Day.. So happy vday to you and yours with hugs and kisses...

I personally don't care to much for this day, other than the fact it's my homegirls bday. I mean I've never had a valentine or went somewhere with someone "special".. no gifts or anything.. i mean this is not including the one's you get from your friends when your in school and what not.. Well anyhow.. guess i'll tell you about my night .. boy oh boy did i have fun .. lol ... i went to this college party which was to celebrate this kids bday too. I have to admit, i didn't think it would amount to anything but woooo was i wrong.. i mean they had this drink that's called "swag juice" and idk whats all in it but it was good. it wasn't to fruity nor did it have to much alcohol in it. anyhow, the party was a "hit".. and i over enjoyed myself as well as this guy i met there.. well more like two guys i met there.. lol ;] after the party ended i, of course, stayed around a liddle longer because i road with my homeboy there.. i didn' mind helping clean up however this one really tall guy told me i was the guest and i was not to touch anything and that it was there responsibility. i could totally understand but i mean .. idk, that's the kind of person i am .. i don't mind helping other people with their mess lol..

WOW. wait. just tell me this. have you ever gone to a party and you pay no one attention because you know theyre paying attention to. lol .. well there was this one guy who walked up to me and asked me where my bf was and i was like umm.. when i get one i will let you know lol .. and he was like oh so that means i can talk to you and i was like aren't you talking to me now .. make a long story short he would not leave me alone until he got a chance to dance with me.. ommmgggg i was dancing with this kidd (i call all guys kidd) and here comes mr. stalker pulling my hand and im just laughing so hard on the inside because im not paying him no attention .. and i could see that me dancing with this guy was makin him lowkey jealous and he was watching my every move. even the guy i was dancing with was laughing and he was telling me that he was still watching me.. omg he said that the guy was looking at me and biting his lip lmaooo.. i mean he was soooo not attractive .. he had gold bottoms in his mouth and dirty dreads.. like eww get some style in your life...

well basically i had a great time and im not even home yet.. i stayed out and slept at my homeboys dorm.. so until next time ..

~peace&love~

& happy valentines day!

close your eyes.

remember the china play set your parents or grandparents got you when yu

were a liddle girl?

remember your "crew" the ones who'd
always be willing to race on bikes..
even if it meant get hurt and scraped up..

remember when yu first watched love & basketball? haha.. that's my movie..

remember the first step you took when you became a teen.. 13,14,15.. where'd that step take you.. i walked right into some really good times. life then began for me..


ever spent a Christmas with the one you was in "like" with

how'd it make you feel..

i bet all tingly inside..

remember those birds that lived right outside your window and every spring/summer morning they'd sing the song that woke you up? ahaha i had one everywhere i lived.


ever skipped rocks across the lake, pond, or river?

ahh, heres a good one.. remember playing hide and go seek
and then it turned into hide and go get? ahaha (5th grade)



** remember all the good times you had when you were a few years or more younger than you are now? do you ever sit back and laugh at the crazy/adventurous things you did.. miss the friends you had to move away from.. or do you still keep in touch? the one person you were the closet with, did you lose contact and til this day wonder what he/she is doing, if their look has changed or the way they think .. im sure their thought process has matured lol.. i just wanted to sit here and remember with you all for a second. hope you don't mind.. (reggie i know you will like this post luv ya doll) until next time..

~peace&love~

White Girl Got Hands

On Twitter Today..

So, today on Twitter (oh shall i say since last night) I've run into about 8 followers. The net is becoming the place to be lol.. I enjoy speaking to the people i follow and those who follow me.. 

Keeping up with Fendi seems to be some work.. 

Also, some of my Twitter followers and Blog followers have added me on Myspace & Facebook.

Im really enjoying getting to know you all.. Can't wait to share more with you. Stay tuned. & until next time .. 

~peace&love~