let these thoughts bleed.

i've been writing for a minute now & it never seems like i could ever run out of the things to write about. i've been feeling for a minute now & it never seems like i could ever run out feelings & emotions to hurt from. i've been thinking & it never seems like i could ever run out of thoughts. i've been pumping this blood through my veins for a minute now & it never seems like i could ever run out of this blood that runs through my veins no matter how many times i've bled. i've been making mistakes for a minute now & it never seems like there won't ever be another one made. so this time, let's pretend the world is my mother and i have fallen. please, please just let me bleed my words, feelings, thoughts, & mistakes so i can heel on my own & on my own time.

where do i start? the beginning or the end? it all never makes sense no matter what point you start from. i just know i want it out and off of my chest. there are so many things that go on in my world, my life, that no one knows about. you know they say the best secrets are kept in books. you put a book down & the only way to know what's going on in the world of those pages are by picking it up and reading it. yet, no one ever has the "time" or "patience" to do so. this is my book. these are my secrets.

i've been in love & i think im almost sure its hurting to admit this. at the moment i have tears washing the skin on my face. for something to hurt it sure is cleansing. it feels good and hurts at the same time. idk what to think honestly, im soo lost right now. anyhow i would consider myself a strong minded person when it comes to falling for a person and opening up and letting them in my world. a lot of people can claim they know me but it's only one who can really say he knows me & can tell me anything and i can & will believe it. for some reason im continuously thinking of this person and seeing from a distance what goes on in his world from a distance.. what to do about this but try and forget and let go.. but how when there's no one who i feel can make me feel the happiness he gives to me. it's a gift almost when im around him.. it's like the morning the snow first falls and a childs first snow angel. it's special. it's rare. it's once in a life time for me. love isn't promised to no one but when it comes hold on to it for dear life. im such a rock its crazy i can't break down for or over no one i can't feel for no one but myself but when the tears wash his face like they do mine it's almost as if they do for me too. idk if that makes any sense but thats the best way i can explain it. im doing my best to let go and move on but its hard when you've never had or is rare to have. does anyone else understand..

just let me fall
just let me bleed
just let me learn.

love life.
love you.
me.

MY CLOSURE

im ending my rainy night with this post.

i seem to be restless at the moment.
so when i close the l.top screen, i'll just lay here until my dreams are 3d.
i cant seem to get this guy off of my mind its like my every thought is him.
me wondering what hes wondering what im wondering and so on..

well,
listening to keyshia cole - you complete me.
goodnight world.

& THIS IS HOW IM FEELING.

at the moment i am listening to anthony hamilton.
its raining. there are 3 more days until my 20th bday.
by now i expected to be "wifed" up with a guy who has my undivided attention.
& im not. there air is going on and off (set to auto) in my apartment.
listening to that the rain and this music is keeping me calm.
for a second i was going insane about this one guy who left my house 50 days ago.
& yes that makes me sound a little crazy, however i only know because now he is
incarcerated 45 minutes away from me.
sitting here wondering why he hasn't called or text since the day he left,
comes to find out he was arrested moments after leaving my house.
he's been looking to get in some kind of contact with me.
he did.
the drug of joy ran through my blood stream.
"sometimes in life you run across a love unknown without a reason it seems like you belong" - anthony hamilton.

the rain has stopped.
the air is off.
the music is still playing.
and im sitting in bed alone.
i just want him back, i have a strong feeling he is my other half.

so, i have 5 more months left until i am done with school.
im anxiously waiting for the day to come and a teacher tells me how many hours i have left.
hours that will be completed in a day or two. uggh.
the great feeling of accomplishing yet another task that someone strongly doubted me on.

you want to know a funny thing?
so i have this ex that i once dated in highschool..
not that many years ago lol.
i express to him what i was thinking were my true and final feelings
and you know what he does?
tells me hes not worth my tears.
probably because his heart was somewhere else.
not because he ever done me wrong or was pathetic.
because none of those describe him.
kind of hurts to know that the person you have these types of feelings for
dont have them in return. idk what to think, say, or how to feel about that.
im so lost and confused., but i cant help nor control another persons emotions.
its only right that i learn to let him go.
& i have because im waiting patiently on who i believe is my other half.
& while doing so, i cant let my past get in the way of my possible future.

just my feelings im updating you all on.
hope you enjoyed me sharing my story with you all.

(post updated pics in a few.)

Demanding? Naa Just Requesting.

This particular post was requested. Im speaking to you & i hope you fully understand me..

(lemme clear my throat)

you see when i open my eyes i want to smile

and when they close to reopen

i want to smile.

when i breath

i want that fresh breath of air to be givin to me

because you went deep to put it there..

what i want?

to make someone feel the same as me

to feel like that never ending question,

yeah that "why" question, to finally be answered.

and im sitting here listening to your music & whennn...

i thought i had writers-block.. the sound of your voice cleared it away.

what i want in a guy you inquire?

i want him to be my NyQuil,

my Dayquil.

could he possibly be my Tylenol..

relieve my pain, sooth my muscles,

clear my headaches away.. ?

would that be to much to ask.

what i want in the next guy..

well they say the next is the best.

could you make me regret not meeting you soona..

and i apologize if i confuse ya..

but...

i want you to fill that void..

put the piece where its suppose to be..

& make me feel like another woman..

make my make-believe become real life fantasies..

oh so now its about me & my needs..

well give me time to clear my throat so i can speak..

someone like you.. someone of your character seems fictional.. but you are oh so real

and thats what i want.. some one to be an asshole ya know; check me when i "oops i fukd up"

someone to give me that "ooo yeaa" biting my lip.. no really biting my tongue because i said i could handle it..

aha playing the big girl role.. someone to pull my hair,

get liddle aggressive .. get me a liddle scared..

but remember what i want is for a guy to be able to make believe again.. to take me to "we're only connecting as.. we're only connecting .. only connecting as. us. are you willing to learn..?"

there. for once i spoke up.. & this is what i want..

ENJOY!

until next time..

~peace&love~

a bit of poetry pt 1.

sometimes in life yu come across an unknown love

the kind that makes yu rush

makes yu wonder the 7 wonders

the simpliest thought of touch by a person

the bittering, arguing, & cursing

all the love, pain, heaven, & hell

you stick around wishing for the better

WELL...

sometimes in life yu come across an unknown love

& when yure really thinking,

yure thinking yure in love

get ready for this.

..LOVES NOT READY FOR YOU..

Just One of Them Days..

Jdub: Yup u definitely will.... u already have an artistic eye and u a hustla...plus u can do all thru Christ who strengthens u
Jdub: Ya diggs?
ms FENDi BBy: yeah
ms FENDi BBy: i feel where ya comin from
ms FENDi BBy: but things is hard besides my sister and all the other haters not supporting me
ms FENDi BBy: im having guy issues
ms FENDi BBy: and once again it's jaemae alone and single on vday no cards no movie no cute bear nothing i know furshur it will be that way because the guy i like is in asia
ms FENDi BBy: and on top of that idk where we stand as far as relationship wise
Jdub: Remember haters and adversity always make u stronger.... always stay in the race and keep the pace never do too much at 1ce
ms FENDi BBy: but my ex hit me like yu better have somethin for me on vday and im like yur the ex boo i dnt want to get yu nothin
Jdub: Asia?
Jdub: I feel
ms FENDi BBy: yea the country
Jdub: The ex is trippin
ms FENDi BBy: highkey too!

Jdub: Well don't trip about vday
Jdub: I got one but I don't feel loved you kno
ms FENDi BBy: yea i feel
Jdub: I wanna feel warm and gushy and shit inside
Jdub: And right now im feeling cold
ms FENDi BBy: but still it's another year added on to ALL the other years of me being by myself ..
ms FENDi BBy: yeah me too and i dont think i like it
Jdub: And I think that worst than not havin 1
Jdub: But you kno u lucky to have them years to yaself.... it refines you.... makes you independent emotionally
ms FENDi BBy: yea but then when i get around a guy that im really into i have a high time guard up

ms FENDi BBy: and it's hard
ms FENDi BBy: i never know when to say what im feelin or thinkin
ms FENDi BBy: always think im movin to fast with my emotions
ms FENDi BBy: and to slow with my actions
ms FENDi BBy: shit be haven me all types of confused
Jdub: The best thing to do and its easier said than done but with everything *** men included is that you must take 1 day at a time you kno
Jdub: If you got one foot in tuesday another in thrusday ull piss all over wednesday
Jdub: Im slowly but surely learning that
ms FENDi BBy: never looked at it like that

Jdub: Yea.... its life you know.... there's a few rules that kinda apply to everything
ms FENDi BBy: well i mean
ms FENDi BBy: idk
ms FENDi BBy: this thing has me all like in my mind
ms FENDi BBy: that im just not worth anything
ms FENDi BBy: must not be
ms FENDi BBy: because every year
ms FENDi BBy: its the same lonelyness feeling inside and outside
ms FENDi BBy: i've NEVVVVER in my life had a valentine
ms FENDi BBy: never
ms FENDi BBy: and it's not fair to me
Jdub: I feel but take me for example I feel that way with sum1
Jdub: Ya kno
Jdub: You can do bad all by yaself
Jdub: Everything under the sky happens for a reason therefore this is for a reason
ms FENDi BBy: yeah i guess
ms FENDi BBy: idk
Jdub: All this alone time is to prepare you for your mate and to first and foremost to get to kno ms. Jacinda thru-n-thru
ms FENDi BBy: shit don't ever go right for me.. it kant win for losin i swear it's always a grey cloud over my shadow

Jdub:To love yaself
ms FENDi BBy: i kant even do that much
ms FENDi BBy: im tellin yu
Jdub: Can't fully love some1 till you love yaself fully
Jdub: I feel like that too if it aint one thing its another
ms FENDi BBy: theres no winin for losin in my life never been
ms FENDi BBy: i dnt feel cute
ms FENDi BBy: ppl keep tellin me im krazie skinny
ms FENDi BBy: i need to gain weight
ms FENDi BBy: they just keep tellin me all the bad
ms FENDi BBy: all the exterior
ms FENDi BBy: and intern thats messin up my interior
Jdub: But still I know and I assure myself that trials only come to make you strong you kno? I feel like thru out all the shit I've been thru something big gotta come my way
Jdub: And the same applies to you
Jdub: I feel
Jdub: U got be the gansta I kno you to be and shake them off
Jdub: People don't validate us.... if the did well be in someones grave
ms FENDi BBy: everything yur sayin makes sense.. it's just idk theres always an obsticle before a succez but i feel in my world theres just always the obsticle and nothing else thats it dead end

Jdub: Your are beautiful girl hacienda who millions wish tell could be in your shoes
ms FENDi BBy: thanks for the comp
Jdub: You kno the phrase everything worth havin is worth working for... I see it as a back up in success.... your promised everything which is owed to you....just not in your time....because if you got everything you feel your owed do you feel you'll sincerely appreciate itz,?
ms FENDi BBy: no, i guess not. its always better to work for something and then when it's earned feel the true appreciation for it

Jdub: And then evaluate yourself..... ask yourself what am I doin wrong... and am I truly grateful for the countles blessings I have thus far??
ms FENDi BBy: no, i honestly appreciate everything good and bad thats happened for me wether it was a lesson learned for a bad choice or it was a liddle blessing
Jdub: Not to get all biblical and ish but these sayings is soo true... the bible say be good stewart over the things I have bless you with so far and then ill make you ruler over many...
ms FENDi BBy: uggghh im drowin in tears and idk if its because everything yu say is right or just because of everything in all

ms FENDi BBy: i need to go to church seriously because i have all these questions
ms FENDi BBy: and im looking for answers
Jdub: one thing I know that God love is a giver with a cheerful heart
Jdub: Give time...love... you
Jdub: You are what's priceless... worth more than anything in this world... that is important because God honor sacrifice
ms FENDi BBy: sometimes i feel worthless though
ms FENDi BBy: like
ms FENDi BBy: idk
ms FENDi BBy: im not worth any guys time

ms FENDi BBy: im not worth anything
ms FENDi BBy: no emotion no feelings no truth no anything
Jdub: And when I said be grateful I meant never complain because it can all be worst.... its always good to not complain
Jdub: Well first of all men aren't all they crack up to be u and I both kno that
Jdub: Look past the men
ms FENDi BBy: i feel, i just only wish things were a liddle better in a noncomplaining way
ms FENDi BBy: yea thats true to
Jdub: Let me ask you something seriously... u miss ya dad? Or do you have complete closure?
ms FENDi BBy: i miss him but im so confused on if im allowed to miss him seeing that he was there when i was a born up until the age of 1 or 2 and then found me when i was 14 and left me he just left me so am i allowed to miss him

Jdub: Yea ur allowed but I think that's the root to one of ya issues
Jdub: How ya relationship with g-ma
ms FENDi BBy: i speak when i call her havent seen her sense his funeral

Jdub: Ya mom?
ms FENDi BBy: the same, like .. i dnt have a mother daughter relationship.. we dnt talk about guys and whatnot its not right to me feels like she's not my mom really for me to speak on things like that with her
Jdub: Well that what it is you don't feel validated by the people you hold the closest to ya heart
ms FENDi BBy: and what do yu mean by that

Jdub: I mean you can't get love from grandma or at least the type you want...and you can't get it from ya pops cuz he passed on...
Jdub: Your hunger for love
Jdub: But now its up to you to love yaself
ms FENDi BBy: i dnt knw how

ms FENDi BBy: at least if i do im not sure that i do
Jdub: Well u gotta step out on faith and try
Jdub: Get to kno jae
Jdub: The real one
Jdub: All atl, hollywood, and bev hills aside
Jdub: And know the inner makings of you
Jdub: Like my bf he sweet in his own way but he told me that I must first get in touch with myself before I can love him
ms FENDi BBy: i guess bc im so quick to want to love someone else i nvr took the time to love me

Jdub: Slow down you have the rest of ya life to love someone else but you got growin to do ya kno...I believe 1 never is fully grown till they love and kno yaself
ms FENDi BBy: true.

Jdub: Jae u kno I see u like fam and im here anytime u need me
ms FENDi BBy: yea i knw i really appreciate everything yuve ever said to me
ms FENDi BBy: thats helped me mentally



i full appreciate the words that where shared with me.. i honestly needed it .. because i was having just one of them days... (monica)... and i seriously didn't want to take it out on anyone so i waited until the end of the day where i sit and reflect and thought instead of taking it out to talk about it and see if there was any advice out there for me.. i always go to him* when i need some words of wisdom a quick laugh or just an ear.. thanks boo!

Patiently Waiting

im the type to get confused easily..

abused by love repeatedly..

heart broken physically..

mind confused; yea all mentally..

is it me or is it reality,

telling me this life wasn't meant to be.

well this life is here so it's meant for me,

but is this way?

is this the view im suppose to see?.

i often sit and think; yea contemplate..

pondering on the past like "what if this and what if that.."

thinkin about a few things that often get me mad.

i wonder will love ever look for me

or will i go blind straining to see?

well until love an i unite,

i'll continue to sit and let this time pass me by.

patiently waiting ; by me =]

FACEBOOK CONVO.

i thought this might be something interesting for other readers, besides those on facebook.

THIS WAS POSTED IN "NOTES".. (female writer remains nameless)

Do you ever wonder why it is so hard for a great girl to find a guy that's worth it ?You sit around and tlk to these boys that you swear have the best intentions for both u n him ...you sit in front of them and givin them all you got .but they STiLL play you ...Why is it that most of the wonderful and true girlz out there cant find a man thats worth it ? I read a quote the other day that said,"Girls are like parking spots .The good ones are taken, and all the others are either not worth it or handicapped !"Well we can say the same for guys .Now-a-days , all thats left are guys that make stupid decisions and throw away the good girls for easy hoes .Well, all i can say is, your loss ...cuz you never know what you have until you lose it ...and once its gone , you can NEVER get it back . And for all the guys that had me and FOOLiSHLY let me go ...i feel sorry for you ...you lost a GREAT girl .

RESPONCES:

Kenny Lewis at 1:15am January 13
I gotta slide throu and jus say dat girls are madd picky...and guys are more open minded to females.....and with that said other girls get madd an are quick to down grade another female if a good guy is talkin to them.... I mean im picky two but dam yall girls want everything and yall wouldnt see a good thing if it hit yall in da head.......No disrespect i understand high standards but yall gotta follow yall heart and not ur minds......and also dere is two side to a coin........basically sayin we go throu da same shit. yall jus talk bout it MORE..........JUS HAD TO PUT MY lil INPUT IN!!!!!!1

Kristen Brown at 1:21am January 13
lol thank you author kenny ...i feel you ..but i understand ya'll go through the same thing, but its not that we are picky . if you talk to a guy and he cheats on u or tries to play you ,it just happens . Following your heart is sometimes what gets you hurt . im picky because of what i have been thru .i cant tlk for everyone but i can tlk for myself . wen i tlk to a guy he has my ALL ...with me not tlkin to anyone else .and i still get played .so its not a fact of bein picky .TRUST i give every guy a certain type of chance ...but once i see u slippin even a lil bit i dont try no more cuz that only brings pain ...sooo ......the stereotype brought upon boyz are brought because they asked for it !

Kenny Lewis at 1:29am January 13
hahahaha....hate hate hate...chill ....girls think any lil thing that a guy does is cheating or sumhow they feel played..WHY IS DAT???????everyone fucks up and everyone shuld have a second chance...but yall get stuck in FUCK HIM mode and go madd wild...but i guess if u say so........But its not always us SOMETIMES IT YALL?????

Traice 'Tre' Brown at 1:29am January 13
Truth = trust.If you're honest with somebody then they should be 100% completely honest with you, regardless of love or friendship.if you're giving 50% and the other person is giving 50%, that's not good enough. Even in a friendship it should be 100% all the way through.

Kenny Lewis at 1:30am January 13
i agree son

Traice 'Tre' Brown at 1:32am January 13
Relationships go both ways, not just dudes and not just females.If you're going to be committed to somebody, then you'd do anything you could to keep 'em around.If you hear something from a homegirl that the dude isn't doing what he needs to, then honestly......how strong was the relationship in the first place if that's all it takes to leave somebody?


LEAVE YOUR THOUGHTS IN A COMMENT.. THIS IS A STRONG TOPIC..


search me on facebook; jacinda travis.. http://facebook.com